Iowa is fun... who knew?

The ladies waited in the lobby of the spa while I got my facial.






My aunt has 5 dogs... They are everywhere.









If there is any doubt as to what I will look like in 20 years... feast your eyes boys.








(Auntie shakes her bootie! yeah!)








Me and Bailey pose gangsta style.









I went to Iowa this weekend to visit my Auntie.
I love her.
She is 54, I am 28, we get along like bff.
When she visits in Chicago, we go to bars, she hangs out with all my friends and they smoke butts together, and we shoot it with ease.
She rules!
Mamma M was already in Chicago when I got there.
It was fun.
It was very relaxing.
I suntanned in Auntie’s back yard.
We got facials.
We drank a shit ton of wine.
I did yoga with Auntie in her basement.
I picked fresh veggies from my auntie’s garden and immediately ate them.
I finished a book and started a new one.
We played board games with the neighbors
and threw the ball around for my auntie’s five dogs.
It was pretty much just a relaxing Zen fest.

My Mom confessed that she was having a hard time relaxing during the massage part of the facial. (urg)
My Mom can’t relax.
I should be proud that she can even admit that.

My Mom yells at my Auntie constantly for doing things that she’s thinks are childish or annoying…
like singing in the bathroom at the grocery store,
shaking her booty in the parking lot,
or driving us around Moline not knowing where she’s going just cause she wanted to show us some sights. (urg)
I love how fun and spontaneous my Auntie is.
I tried not to yell back at my Mom not to yell at my Auntie… do we see a pattern?

My Mom’s way of getting yelling dogs to calm down is to bark back at them to shut up. (urg)
My Mom barks.
She means well.
I love her.
I hope she found Zen this weekend too.
I think she found a little.

This whole leaving every weekend is f-ing great.
In the beginning my apartment seemed so lonely,
But now I actually feel like it’s a place to come home to, cause I’m never there.
So good.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Tips for getting over this whole dumped thing.

I am putting together a short list of things to do in case I ever get dumped again.
These things seem to be working.
I thought maybe someone else might find them helpful too someday.

#1/ Don’t see the fucker. Don’t call him. Just walk away and let yourself heal.

#2/ Keep telling yourself you are okay. One day you will wake up and believe it.

#3/ Get mad, get so fucking mad…. And then cry, cry, cry. Eventually # 2 will take effect.

#4/ If someone wants to buy you something (a beer, dinner, a plane ticket), give you a hug, lend you their anything, hang out with you, call you, kiss you... let them.

#5/ Talk about it openly when you need to and don’t feel bad about how you feel.

#6/ Allow yourself doubt.

#7/ If you want it, buy it.

#8/ Be so selfish all the time.

#9/ Drinking alcohol makes it feel better, so don’t feel bad about it now… you will stop when you need to.

#10/ Listen to all your old riot girl albums and sing them at the top of your lungs in your apartment while doing anything you want. (for boys, I think Metallica is the equivalent)

#11/ Go out of town as much as possible.

Eating emotional spinach!

I feel really strong these days.
I feel like I’ve been “gaining back some of my powers”
as someone I know would put it.

A couple of things have happened recently.
One was; the guy I asked on a date called while I was out with my mom at a bar,
To tell me that he didn’t want to have anything to do with it.
This kind of stung.
Any rejection never feels good.
But, it is what it is.
I felt bad for about a ½ an hour... and then... I felt fine.
And I was like, “Oh yeah, this actually IS no big deal.”
And I immediately felt stronger.

Then in my mind I made the decision that I was just gonna cool my jets a little with this whole “boys” thing.
I mean, they served REALLY well, in helping me to get past that “I might want to hurt myself” phase of the breakup.
Nice and Easy keeps saying
"the easiest way to get over someone is to get under someone."
Seriously she says it alot.
It's her new motto as far as I'm concerned.
But I just suddenly realized that it feels okay to be by myself.
And after my mom left I was happy to have the apartment to myself again.
I have a lot to accomplish in my life and I can’t waste all my free time doting on a boy.
The thought of being that girl at the IO party desperately trying to get a boy to take her home makes me feel sick.
I’m not judging that girl... I just don’t want to be her.
And I’m not that person.
So I feel strong.
Cool.

There is someone I am interested in.
We sometimes make it harder than it needs to be.
I keep trying to run away.
I have decided to jump ship a couple of times.
Right as my feet are about to leave the poop deck he keeps being awesome
and then I stay.
Because I feel so strong and because I am done with boys,
I think I might have an easier time with him now.
He can be a bit shy.
I can be a bit overbearing.
It’s not a terrifying secret or a tornado.
It is what it is.
That makes me feel strong.

I have made the decision to try and understand where people are coming from a little better.
Sometimes you really have to push through the moments that make you feel awkward to get to the gold.
Sometimes you have to put yourself out there and know it might hurt to try to connect with someone else.
I’m okay with that.
Nothing can hurt me worse than what I already been through.

I’m not afraid to look you in the eye.
To ask you “how are you really doing?”
To be told "I really don’t want to talk about it”
Tripwire once made the observation that
because she has cried in public quite a bit
she has noticed that black women in general will come up to her to ask her if she is okay and offer her help.
Whereas, no white woman has ever done this with her.
I have no observations about the differences between myself and black women,
(I save it for my stand-up routine)
but I would like to think that I would stop a crying stranger to make sure they were okay.

I am on a normal drinking schedule now.
I have had the urge to drink alone several times this past week and not done it.
I still love old Madame Booze, but I don’t need to fuck her every night.
That makes me feel strong.
“I’m healed!” (She sobs into her sleeve)
No, seriously.
Either I am on a manic upswing, or I am actually starting to feel whole again.
I think my writing is getting worse as a result.
BUT I have found my sense of humor again and have written several new comedy sketches that don't involve me getting dumped or hurting a man with the same name as Mr. 9.
That's real progress.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

I am heading to Iowa to go spend a couple of days with my aunt and mother.
These are the things that I already know ARE going to happen:
We will be getting facials in a mall.
We will be playing a game that involves marbles and shooting the shit.
My aunt will make me feel totally at ease in her home
And the conversation with my mom will be easier and more fun because the pressure is not on me to make it so.
When we all get drunk together, girl talk might even happen.

My horoscope for this weekend says:

~ Communications with women will be easy and quite favorable at this time, regardless of your own sex. And encounters with women may be quite informative in a positive way.

~ This is the time to be yourself, but it also is the time to become conscious of who you are. It is one thing to be yourself; it is another to know yourself. You can use this time for both.

~ You are now far more aware of your own sensitivities, so that you are also in a position to be more considerate to yourself. If you do something good for your body today - for example, have a massage or visit a sauna - it will also strengthen your soul. Poetic and romantic music have a pronounced effect on you at this time.

~ Tonight you feel quite good, and you enjoy being with congenial people. Probably it would be best to be with old friends whom you know well and with whom you have already established strong emotional ties.

Excuse me?!
What the F?!!!!
I know some of you don’t believe in this shit…
But come one!
If I go to a sauna it will "strengthen my soul"?
I’m going to a fucking sauna tomorrow!!!
Communications with women will be good?!!!
Awesome!
I am going to find some poetic music bitches!!!
I am venus love!!!
I send some to you.
zen!

I came from her vagina.

Me: Isn't the bean awesome?
Mama M: It's giving me a headache.



I wanted a photo of here facing the skyline. She couldn't understand why I didn't want her facing the camera. "Just turn around!" I kept saying. This went on for some time. I finally got her to do it, but she shook her head at me after.


Me: Mom, you wanna go play in the water?
Mama M: Oh god no.






Mama M was here this weekend.
I have to admit I was kind of dreading it.
I love my Mom.
She’s all I got.
But we’re about as close as China and Iceland… not very.
Plus now I live in this tiny studio.
So there’s a lot less physical distance I can put between us.
And now that I live alone, there’s no other person to help take the weight off the conversation.

She wants to do everything in the city…
But has nothing specific in mind.
I always feel like I have to have this amazing itinerary planned for her.
Plus it was her birthday weekend, so I really felt a pressure not to blow it.
We did lots of fun stuff.
We went to the zoo, and saw Spelling Bee, sat at the beach, had great food at a lot of my new fave-o restaurants in my new hood, and saw Pirates II….
It turned out to be a pretty good weekend.

I love my Mom, but sometimes she also drives me up a wall.
I am really trying to find Zen with her.
She is a Leo.
She can be a bit bossy.
She can be a bit stubborn.
She can be a bit prideful.
But then, so can I.
There is a lot of stuff we have never talked about.
Sometimes I want to know the details but the foreseen uncomfortability would be too much to bear.
Whether that uncomfortability is only in my mind or real, is beside the point.
She has not once asked me how I am doing since the breakup.
I can feel that she just doesn’t want to touch this topic with a 10 foot pole.
Maybe it’s because she doesn’t want to make me feel bad by making me talk about it.
But to me it feels like there’s an emotional 10 foot wall that separates us.
(everything in this post is 10 foot)
As I get older I want to feel okay with her as an adult and as a person who is not just my Mom.
For a while this manifested itself in me awkwardly telling her intimate things about myself in a desperate attempt to bond.
I talked to her on the night Mr. 9 broke up with me.
I knew calling her crying was a bad idea, but I wanted my mommy to comfort me.
She’s not really that kind of mom.

Mama M: Well, why would he do something like that?
Me: I’m sure I don’t know mom. (Sobbing here) I just don’t know what to do.
Mama M: (Pause) Well that’s too bad about him. Do you have to find a new apartment?
Me: (URG!!!!) I guess.

The new way this is manifesting itself is me getting uptight with her for being so stiff and trying to force her to do a bunch of stuff I know she thinks is weird because I want her to open her mind to new things.
My mom is the youngest of three girls and the most square of all three.
Her two older sisters are real carefree and kind of wild.
I think they’re the bees’ knees.
She rolls her eyes at how they live their lives.
She gets hurt that I am closer to her sisters than to her.
I can see it in her face that she feels bad when I talk about how my aunt and I call each other all the time to shoot it when I’m at work.
I am trying not to elicit that look on her face anymore.
I’m trying not to judge her so much for things she does that I don’t agree with.
I’m trying to go into each encounter with her with an open heart.
I’m trying to be Zen.
I think I did okay.
Not great, but okay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Mama M: (She is laughing at the thought of this story she wants to tell me and finally she can get it out) So Donna comes into Minneapolis when I’m there. She wants to go see a concert. So I’m like, “Oh, what concert do you want to go see?” and she’s like “Alice Cooper”. (She’s laughing) “Oh” I say. I mean she’s like only two years younger than me and she wants to go see an Alice Cooper concert.

Me: Well what’s wrong with that? I’d go see the Alice Cooper concert with her.

Mama M: Exactly. Hasn’t she heard of David Benoit? Or Al Jereau?

Me: Mom you can’t judge somebody because they’re your age and don’t listen to Love jazz. (I can feel myself getting slightly flustered.) Plus, I thought you owned some KISS albums.

Mama M: Oh god no! I never listened to that stuff. It just doesn’t…move my soul I guess.

Me: (I am slightly upset that my mom is so square.) Never?

Mama M: No, I mostly listened to pop growing up. You know, James Taylor, Carol King, that sort of thing.

Me: Yeah, I’ve got those albums too. But there’s room for lots of different music in someone’s life.

Mama M: No. I just like what I like.

Me: (Urg.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Mama M: My back is really hurting me, and I’ve put on some weight which I’m sure hasn’t helped.

Me: What have I told you about eating all that crap? Have you started doing that yoga tape I sent you in the mail?

Mama M: No. (I can see in her eyes that she doesn’t want to get guilted by her daughter).

Me: I know you hate me talking about it, but it’s gonna help your back.

Mama M: I don’t want to do it wrong.

Me: You can’t do it wrong. But you have to try it once first.

Mama M: We’ll see. (This means “no”)

Me: (Urg!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Me: Come on, I’ll buy you a shot of wheat grass.

Mama M: (Rolling her eyes at me) I don’t think so.

Me: Why are you so against trying new things? If you hate it... fine. But try it once and decide after.

Mama M: I just don’t want to.

Me: I’m buying you one and we’re doing it together. That’s all there is. (urg.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Mama M: I just see a mean streak in my Mom. It’s the same one my Mom talks about her sisters having. And I want to say, “Don’t you see it in yourself?” I don’t have Grandma’s mean streak... do I?

Me: (I’m not saying anything. Not to hurt her, just cause I don’t know what to say.)

Mama M: Oh come on now… do I?!

Me: No…. (Looking away. URG! I hate myself. Why did I do that? She’s your fucking mom, dumbass.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Me: Stop putting ice in your wine. It’s Merlot; it’s not supposed to be cold.

Mama M: But that’s the way I like it.

Me: Urg!

Mama M: What? That’s the way I like it.

Me: I know. It’s fine. Happy birthday.

To blog or not to blog... You get the reference.

Pork Night has already addressed our conversation from last night.
Conversation

Also, Arnie addressed his blog on his blog…
a year following the break up

(You will hear the word blog about a million times during this post. I’m sorry.)

A fellow improviser I do not know personally, Arnie, had a break up with the woman he was going to marry. He decided to write a blog about the healing process every day for an entire year, at which point he then gave it up. I found out about this blog very late in its life span. Once I started reading it, though, I really couldn’t stop. I would spend all day reading it at work, letting my filing pile up to read more of this boy’s heart felt healing process. What I love so much about it is how honest it is. It is sweet and reflective and real. I didn’t know this kid, but I fell in love with his honesty. I think Arnie’s blog birthed a whole nation of bloggers inspired by his accounts.

Bird-o: Mrs. Florida keeps discussing her divorce from Mr. Florida on her Myspace blog.
(This was not something he thought was appropriate)

Blondie: Oh, what?... are you gonna run home and put this conversation on your blog?
(This was not something she thought was very cool)

I get that what I do is completely self-absorbed and stilted in every way.
I get that blogs are geeky.
I get that this is selfish and over dramatic and that I’m completely emotional and sappy and at times this blog is just me getting off on airing dirty laundry.

I really don’t give a fuck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

When all this shit happened to me, I felt like I was drowning.
I didn’t really know how to deal with it.
All I knew was that I kept hyperventilating crying... constantly
and I wanted to get past that point.

I thought that writing would help me to focus my thoughts and feelings in a way that I could start to sort them out since at the time they were suffocating me.

“What is my identity now, if it is not half of a relationship with Mr. 9?”

I am not ashamed of what happens in my life.
I do not regret anything I have ever done, nor will I going forward as a promise to myself.
I am going to die really soon and I don’t have a lot of time to waste on stupid shit like that.
Nothing in my blog is anything I wouldn’t talk to you about on the street.
I leave those things alone.

I could write in a diary.
But I think that we have to reach out to each other.
We are all going die...very soon.
So why can’t we help each other to make it an easier journey until we do?
I can’t expect people to open up to me.
I can only lead by example.
Hopefully people will feel loved and return that love to me.

Honesty has never come so easily to me.
I have found a greater patience for the world, because I know now that the journey through it is the beautiful part of being alive.
Sometimes the journey really fucking sucks, so we have to build bridges to from one tar pit to the next so we don’t sink.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

I imagine that it was awesome for Arnie…
To hear from his friends that they loved his blog
That they understood where he was coming from
That his feelings were justified and that they were there to support him
That he wasn’t alone, even if he felt like he was
and that love exists in all forms

Arnie,
I loved your blog
I understand where you are coming from
Your feelings are justified and even though I have never met you,
I am here to support you
and if you ever need anything you can call me any time
You are not alone, even if you feel like you are
and love exists in all forms
Including the love between two humans who don’t know each other but who have the guts to share an intimate experience with each other because fear is not as scary as death

You are going to die really soon.
Let’s be nicer to each other.
I hope you find zen.
I love you.

Didn't have to use my AK

( He's pretty cute in the younger days, isn't he? Other crushes have included a young Jerry Lewis and an old Al Pacino... so this new one doesn't surprise me. I'm on a real Hackman kick. He might be one of the greatest actors of all time. )


















Today is a good day.
It’s been raining since I went to bed last night…
And I don’t even have the inkling to cry.
I sort of feel at peace.
It’s cool.
Last night I did NOTHING! But watch movies.
It was amazing.
Who knew?!
I also didn’t have any alcohol.
I’m getting a lot better at that.
I think I’m over that whole drinking every night thing.
I’m doing a lot better.

On a side note:
The art of making films might be dead.
I have been watching a lot of 70’s film.
I’ve noticed recently that many of these great old flicks have very little dialogue.
These older films spend a lot more time on setting up the scene and letting the audience live with the film’s characters in their silences instead of killing us with edits and plot twists....
(aka: "Domino" is the worst movie ever made)

Last night I watched Vertigo and The French Connection.
Awesome.
I want to make a film like The Conversation some day.
I want to make a film like Serpico some day.
I want to make a film like Bad Lands some day.

Also, Gene Hackman... sort of attractive in his 30’s.
I found myself gaining a crush on him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Lately I’ve been auditioning a lot.
I’ve gotten really good at it.
I've come a long way since I was 21.
In particular when I need to improvise...
Which these days, I feel like every commercial audition is an improv.
They don’t actually write copy anymore,
they just supply an idea that you then riff on and if hired,
you get no writing credit,
nor do you get paid more for all the original ideas you brought to their final product.

I had four auditions last week.
I felt great about all of them.
Unfortunately, I didn’t even get a call back for one.
I don’t feel bad about it because I know that’s the business...
And for one of them I just knew they were gonna go with a guy.
It would be nice though, to start making some headway.
My goal is to be SAG by the time I move to LA.
I’m half-way there.
But it looks dismal.

I’m a great actor.
I work hard at my craft.
I'm fun.
I'm in the best shape of my life
and seriously people, I can be real cute when I wanna be.
I wouldn’t say I’m cocky, but I know how to bring it in the audition.
I’m past all that “I’m not good enough” self doubt BS.
Seriously.
I’m ready for it.
I’m waiting for it.
Bring it on already.

We're all gonna die, but until then why do we have to be so unhappy?

This is a conversation I had with two girlfriends last night.
They are both gorgeous women.
They both make a ridiculous amount of money and one of them even owns her own business.
They are both hilarious comedians.
They both have a lot of interesting hobbies and are way super smart.

I don’t get it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

G1: I think I am going through a severe depression these days.
G2: I know what you mean. I can’t stop crying.
Me: I know that feeling.

G2: My therapist put me on these pills to try to pull me out of it. I hate my body, I hate myself.
Me: Wow.
G2: It's true.
G1: To be fair, you’re going through a breakup, that’s hard. I mean you were together a year.
G2: Yeah, but this started months ago.
G1: My therapist just came right out and said that I was clinically depressed the other night. I didn’t disagree.
Me: Does everyone have a therapist?
G1: I’ve been seeing mine for years.
G2: Yeah, Me too.

G2: I never really noticed how depressed I was before when I lived with other people. Because I’m in a service job, I’m always emotionally putting myself out there for people at work and then I either have a gig or a rehearsal after work, so I still have to find that positive energy as a performer even if I don’t have it as a person, and then when I go home, I keep that face on for the people that I live with. When I started living by myself, I just started crying… all the time… mostly because I could… finally.
Me: I'm finally at a place where I can be home alone and not be drunk.
G1: I drink alot at home by myself too.

(Now after one beer she is sobbing at the table. I am holding her arm and trying to help, but feeling lost)

G1: None of my friends are around anymore, because they are all obsessed with their new marriages or babies and I’m just that crazy single friend.
Me: I hate that you compare your life to your friends. You’re doing awesome things. Your life is great. You own your own business and it’s doing amazing! Look at you, you’re awesome! You own your own house… in the city for Christ’s sake!
G1: I just never thought I’ld be this old and alone. I’m so bitter it’s sick.

(Now the other one is crying too.)
G2: I just want someone to come home to every night. Why is that so much to ask?
Me: I hate that we feel so bad without boys. Double Gemini wants to set me up with his friend. She’s a DJ.
G1: Is she a flat out lesbian?
Me: Yup. I didn't ask him to, he's just obsessed with the idea of me dating a lady.
G1: Bad news. If you’re gonna experiment to have a little fun, go ahead, but you don’t want to get into a relationship with a girl, you’re not gay.
Me: I know. But I’m sick of boys. I’m sick of thinking about them all the damn time. It takes too much energy.
G2: It’s not easier. It’s the same.
Me: I know.
G1: I wouldn’t mind changing it up a bit. But I know I can never love a woman like a man. Sex is one thing, but I’m wired for boys.
Me: I know, but it's hard for me too, becuase my relationship with Mr. 9 was aweseome. He told me everything. How he was feeling and all that. So when I have to guess what boys are thinking it feels real hard.
G1: Well he didn't tell you everything. I mean he didn't mention that he wasn't in love with you anymore. He didn't tell you he liked another girl. He's not that great.
Me: Yeah, I know. boys are dumb.

G1: I know.
G2: I know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

I feel like everyone in the world is f’d up because of what our fathers did to us.
That’s a copout.
But also… I know a lot of people who are real depressed right now and their doctor’s tell them they have these issues with their father they haven’t worked out yet.
Boys and girls I know.
My father left when I was three.
He used to get real violent with my mom and was a raging alcoholic.
I do not consider him my father.
I consider him the sperm donor that helped make me.
I have no desire to meet him, find him, or even know if he exists.
He is just another person in the world if he does.
I really don’t have any problems with him.
I have moved on…. Oh yeah, except that I have severe abandonment issues with men.
Did I mention that?

I’m sick of all my friends feeling bad about themselves because a boy is not telling them how great they are.
I’m not sick of hearing about it, or sharing experiences...
I’m sick of seeing my friends cry.
I also have no advice to give any of these ladies that makes it better.
If anything, my advice is null and void because I was in a relationship for so long and don't know anything about the real trials and tribulations of dating.
I’m telling my friends how great they are, but that doesn’t hit the same.
I want to see the people I love happy.
Happy…. It’s such a weird word now.
(Pass the pills please.)


There was a time, when I was alone.
It was fine.
I didn’t care.
I was happy to work on me.

To all my ladies….
I love you.
We’re gonna be okay.
But we have to believe that…. Seriously.
Until then, you know where to find me for beers.

Act now, think later.

I asked a boy out on a date last night.

I have never been on a first date with someone before.
Usually all the boys I have “seen” are boys I have been friends with for a long time,
And then it’s like “Hey wanna do this?”

I don’t really know this person that well.
He seems real fun and cute.
I am intrigued by “the date”.
Just going to eat, or to a movie, or whatever people do in these instances.
Just getting to know someone better that you don’t really know but think is cute.
I went out with Mr. 9 while we were dating obviously, but not in the beginning.
We would mostly just hang out in his bed a lot… 'cause we were in college and that’s what you did.
I don’t even know if people go on dates anymore.
I have a sinking feeling dating stopped happening in the 80’s but I never knew ‘cause I was in a relationship. (Not in the 80’s but you know what I mean.)
At first I felt real confident about it.
Like “the worst he can say is “No”.
And if the date goes poorly, then the worst that can happen is two friends eat together.
I barely know him, it’s not like it will affect my day to day life if he’s not interested.
I thought he might be turned on by how forward I am.

I got his number from a friend.

Me (on phone): Hi! I have a weird question. Do you think you might want to go on a date with me some time? (Nice one, set it up that it’s a weird question and don’t let him decide for himself)
Boy: Um…. Uh… okay. Sure, I think so. That sounds like it might be fun. What did you have in mind?
Me: (Shit! I didn’t really plan ahead. I only thought through the asking part.) I don’t know (Good one!)
Boy: Okay. Well, I think I should tell you…. I’m pretty busy this week, I’m moving so I won’t be available until like… next week some time. Is this your cell number? If I don’t see you before next week, why don’t we touch base some time next week?
Me: Oh. Okay. Yeah, why don’t you call me when you know when you’re available? (Good one. I think he just said that.)
Boy: Okay… bye.

Um… I THINK he said yes.
After I hung up, I felt real awkward about it.
Seriously, that could have been a real lame move.
I actually used the phrase “go on a date with me”.
Come on people, I don’t know how to do this shit.
I’m making it all up as I go along.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

I have only been single for about two and a half months now.
I think I have learned more about myself in this short amount of time than throughout the rest of my years put together.
But mostly because I have been forced to think about myself through someone else’s actions.
Of course every time I think I understand something better, I go through an emotional spurt and everything looks different.
(I’m such a drama queen)

A few things I THINK I have learned in the past two months… using food analogies:

I CAN be the only chef in the kitchen, both in life and in my apartment… without dying.

I have to be selfish with what I order, only eating what I want when I want it, and I will not feel bad if the meal isn’t that good and I have to send it back. As long as I am honest with the waiter and respect him, it should be okay.

I am fully aware of the fact that I have been shitting where I eat recently. And as expected, I have been forced to eat that shit. I want to eat my own shit, but I refuse to feel regret for it. It was fun. But once I’m full, I will not feel bad about moving on. I can’t just keep eating shit to save someone else’s feelings.

If the meal is not easy to make, I need to find a new recipe. I can’t deal with the doubt of spending a lot of time on a soufflé that I’m not sure is going to turn out. I just want to have some fun.

Just because you are extremely sexually compatible with someone doesn't mean that you are ready to start buying groceries with them. They probably eat a lot of meat and you are a vegetarian. This, by the way, is neither of your faults and no one is to blame if it doesn't work out. It just is.

After eating the same chocolate cake for so long, I really want to try a lot of different pies.

It’s kind of exciting that there are pies!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

I have been told that making a lot of dumb decisions involving men right now is normal. I’m okay with that.
It scares the shit out of me.
But I’m okay with that.
Boys smell good,
They make it easier to forget and to feel okay.
I know I don’t need them…
But it doesn’t hurt to kiss.
Kissing feels good.

Now that the earthquake is over, the after shocks are happening

(photobooth on my Apple is my new fave toy. me and Bird-o)


My friend Bird-o from college was in town for 10 days.
I was in LA for the first weekend he was here so I didn’t get to see him until Wednesday because of rehearsals etc.
I miss him.
He has all the gossip on the gang back in Boston.
When out to lunch, he looked at me over his glasses…
“Speaking of breakups… How’re you doing?”
He doesn’t mean to give me that “You poor thing” look, but it’s just what happens to people’s faces when they are checking in.
Irish did it too.
Imagine this in a thick Irish accent; “How’re ya doin’ wit it?”
Even though I say I am fine, Irish can’t stop making that face at me. “You poor thing”.
I feel five.

While Bird-o was in town making time with him was hard.
I am finally getting a spoon full of the after math.

Bird-o: I can’t have dinner with you on Friday.
Me: Why not?!
Bird–o: I realized that’s the night we’re going out for steaks.
Me: Cancel with her. (My old roommate, who was one of my best friends from college and his new wife. I’m not invited to things they do. Now that I’m not together with Mr. 9, it’s a lot easier to just invite Mr. 9 and not me. That’s a lot better for everyone… ‘cept me.)
Bird–o: I can’t, I promised.

Me: Well, what about Saturday night?
Bird-o: I can’t, we’re all (meaning all my friends in Chicago) going out to dinner.
Me: WE? Can I come?
Bird-o: You can… but I don’t think you want to.
(AKA, Mr. 9’s gonna be there. All my college friends will be there, but I won’t.)

Bird-o: I want you to know, I pick no sides.
I always loved you both as separate people and that won’t change.

(Yeah, but now when people come to visit, they have to pick where to go. Awesome.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

On a sidebar….
I learned her name this weekend.
I knew that Mr. 9 was dating someone else.
No one had told me this, I just knew it.
He’s an awesome guy.
He was staying at some girl’s house when he broke up with me.
It’s not hard to put 2 and 2 together.
That being said, it still felt like drinking bile when I heard her name.
I think Bastard knew she was walking into a trap, but she’s my friend.
Thank god for her.

Bastard: Yeah, I think her name is Maria. Brian has hung out with them before. I’ve never met her though. She’s a friend of Nathan and Stephanie’s.
(Fuck them for introducing them… seriously, it’s not their fault, I don’t mean that… fuck them.)
Me: Maria huh…. What’s her last name?
Bastard: I don’t know.

Blondie: Well, that's gonna sting no matter if you find out today or two years from now. It’s never easy to hear your ex is dating someone else.
Me: I’m cool. (I’m not that cool. I hate her.)

Me: I had the thought on the drive out to LA that I might want to call Mr. 9 to have drinks or something. To start the cleanup. That was a very fleeting thought.
Blondie: Do you think you might actually want to get back together with him?
Me: No. You can forgive your rapist, but you don’t want to be naked in a room with him again.

Her name is Maria. I wonder when they met. Some time when he was hanging out with Nathan and Stephanie. Was I there too? I wonder when Mr. 9 started liking her. 6 months ago? 4 months ago? Right before he broke up with me? Was he fucking me wishing it was her? Was he not fucking me cause he was wishing he could be fucking her?

Blondie: You know, it might end badly. Just cause they’re dating doesn’t mean anything. It’s gotta end some time.
Me: I hope she gives him a venereal disease.

I’m fine with it.
Not really.
No, I’m cool.

In loving memory of Ms. Brodeur

(This mad sky happened on the drive out to Montana. It looked like The Nothing from The Never Ending story was coming for us. I think you get the metaphor)


Mars is coming closer to the Earth.

Apparently Mars only gets this close to Earth every 5,000 years.
All Arians will stand up and cheer.
They will feel clear headed and strong.
Everything else will suffer.
Mars is the God of war.

While in Montana I learned that a dear friend’s mother had died suddenly over the 4th weekend. She was found in the shower. It was a hard blow to him. They were very close. I wanted to cry when I got the news. But I had no tears left. I meditated instead.

Today at work my coworker Cory had to leave because his father passed this morning. He talks about his father all the time. He seemed like a really nice, fun guy. I think Cory really looked up to him. Cory was in a really bad mood this morning and I thought he was just being pissy. I feel really bad now that I know.

Yesterday I got an email that DoggyDayCare had broken up with her boyfriend. It was a hard decision. She was going crazy. It felt bad to be with him. It felt bad to break up.

I heard on the news that the unaffected countries of the Middle East have been watching the war to asses how they should plan for future diplomacy with America. They have come to the decision that it is better to stock up on weapons and germ warfare because inevitably America will want to pick a fight and they have to be ready.

India was hit with a bomb. Hard.

150 people were injured on the Blue line yesterday because of a huge fire.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

I know bad stuff happens all the time.
Maybe I’m just feeling it more this year cause I’m getting to be that age.
And it will be worse at 40 and if I make it to 65, even worse.
I’ve been told that your body starts dying at 25.
In other words, 25 is the age when your body is replenishing its cells at a slower rate than they are deteriorating.
I’m 28.
I know how it all ends.

In the very near future, we will all enter the age of Aquarius when the world is supposed to change for the better and people will finally find understanding for each other. I pray we all hold on long enough to get there.

I am Libra heart: The scales

(Riding cruisers on Venice beach with AGYG, her hubby, and their friend Shannon. There's a rollercoaster in the background!)



(Sydwynder looking SOO LA. This was at the Getty Museum. That's the city of LA below him. Amazing!)



(House on Venice beach. Neato! It was a gothic dream come true!)


I just want to point out that every time I return to Chicago from a trip I am always welcomed home with grey skies and rain… I’m just saying.

Pros - Chicago:
Snakes
Sketchcore
Computer Boy
Csz
Cutest new apartment ever in cutest neighborhood that is supes close to everything in the world. (I wish I had moved sooner, it might have saved some of the relationship.)
Summer
The Lake (which is now actually accessible)
Riding my bike all the time, everywhere, and fast
Getting drunk and riding my bike home
Day job w/ rad benies and fat paycheck that let’s me leave at any time to audition for soul sapping work
Great people
I am comfortable here
CTA when you need it

Cons – Chicago:
Remnants of a breakup
6 years and still fighting for shitty acting gigs that never come
No one in here has any money to pay comedians to do anything
Soul sapping day job
The routine
Gloom and doom
Winter commutes
Winter nights
Winter binging
Winter depression
Winter fat
Winter everything

Pros – L.A.:
iO west
CSZ
UCB
The Jungle
Sydwynder, Gultch, Bo Smash separately and as Heroes
Endless possibilities for new friends and experiences
Sun, sun, sun
Tans and lean muscles
The Ocean
Opportunities to fulfill my dream of being a full time actor
Patel Leads
Getting tofu anywhere, even at fast food chains

Cons – L.A.:
Owning a car and paying for gas
Road rage (I saw it in everyone I knew out there)
Riding my bike with lots more possible danger involved
Can’t get drunk and walk home
Will be so lonesome pining after all the people I love in chicago
The improv isn’t as fun
Everything is more expensive
Finding a new job
Finding a new apartment
Not knowing the city
Having to drive and not knowing where I am
Earthquakes
Nobody rides public transpo

Montana, I want to eat you and die full

(I went up to a rock to meditate on a rainy day when I just couldn't stop crying. From my perch where birds kept flying up to sit with me, I could see the rest of the crew coming out to hike. Can you see them?)



(At the baseball game we saw three shows; the game, the fireworks after, and the sky... isn't it amazing?!)




(Snakes and The Jungle hiking to the top of the world)




(One of the cows on the ranch. This one is a bull. They had just come out of mating season. They would whine very gutterally for the cows they were having sex with just a week ago. All the male bulls were in a pen together and they kept trying to hump each other for relief.)



(This is the third year in a row we have found ourselves in this small Midwestern town to eat dinner. I don't know the name of it, but I thought this cowboy on a bike was just about the most awesome thing ever.)



(When we hike Gultch wears his gun just in case we meet mountain lions. He also wears it to celebrate gay pride!)



(The main house on the ranch... there are three to choose from when you sleep. This place is a zen castle)



We left for Montana on Friday night and got to Gultch’s ranch at about 8:00pm Saturday night.
It is my third time doing this drive from Chicago to Montana.
I love it.
I never get sick of the Midwest.
It’s beautiful.
Last year we went a little later and the highway was lined with miles and miles of sunflowers.
This year the fields were plush and green from rain.
I think it is very romantic to stare out the window and dream about the people in the houses you see along the highway.
All alone in the middle of Nowhere’sville.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~'

Kid Dynamo – It’s real hard when so much stuff changes all at once in your life. You have a million emotions all the time. It’s hard to sift through them.
Me – Can I have a hug?
Kid Dynamo – Boy, you’re in a bad way.

And I was sometimes.
And sometimes I was on cloud nine.
Even just on the drive out.
One hour I was all giggles and smiles and love for the adventure ahead.
And the next hour would bring all droopy poetry in the notebook I brought and lots of metaphors about fences and radio towers. ug.
Seriously.
I need to get it together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~'

The ranch is the most beautiful place on Earth.
Gultch’s father and late mother built their dream house there.
The house is half way up a mountain and is nothing but windows.
When you are inside all you see is the mountains hugging you and elk grazing in the valley and cows, cows, cows.
It’s a dream come true.
We hiked, we swam in the pond where a beaver lives, we smoked grass and shot be-be guns, we ate pie all day straight from the tin, and napped whenever we were tired.
I blossom in that place.
I feel full.
The ranch is zen.

But one day it rained... and out came Crazy Sad Lady.
I don’t know where I hide her, but it’s scary when she shows up.
She loves to be completely miserable and drink alcohol… a lot.
I swear I don’t know her, she just uses my body whenever the sun goes away.
And as soon as the sun comes back out, suddenly I'm fine.

Me - Can I just hang in this half of the body?
Crazy Sad Lady - NO! I have to take over the whole thing. I'll give her back to you during the hangover.
Me - Bitch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

This year was a little different at the ranch as Gultch has moved to LA since our last trip.
So for this journey, he brought out his new improv team from iO West.
I was totally prepared to hate them in every way.
Gultch replaced us with them.
They are from LA.
They are not snakes.
All perfectly good reasons to beat them with bare knuckled fists.

Unfortunately I fell in love.
They were all amazing.
I laughed, a lot.
6 of them, 6 of us and Gultch.
That was 13.
And what a crew.
On the fourth of July we all went into the town of Great Falls.
We went to a minor league baseball game and got DRUNK on $1 beers with Tabasco sauce in them and sang American themed songs at the top of our lungs and booed the opposing team and watched fireworks.
Then later we went to a local bar and rode a mechanical bull.
Oh God, these people make me happy.
Snakes and Jungle mixing it up.
I fell in love with Annie Get Your Gun and secretly want her to be my best friend.

In a half joking voice, Anne Get Your Gun asked if I wanted to ride back with the Jungle to LA instead of going home to Chicago right away.
I immediately agreed and the pact had been made.
I could stay at her house.
I would perform with The Jungle on Sunday night and then go home just in time to make it to work on Monday morning.

I did the drive from Montana to LA for the first time.
It was beautiful.
I got to see the mountains.
I got to see Vegas.
I got to see LA!

My weekend in LA was also amazing.
I stayed with AGYG who basically is an angel in the body of the funnest girl ever.
I did three shows at iO in three days.
All were super fun.
I rode bikes on Venice beach and went to the Getty museum and got to hangout with Sydwynder (love you) and even bonded with his girlfriend.
I met loads of new people through AGYG and got a free meal through one of them at a very fancy steak house.
I didn’t want to leave.

I had to.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Montana 2006: In search of zen.
There are so many people in this world.
If you open your heart to the unknown, the good ones will find you.
I feel so lucky.
Thank you all so much.
Let’s get the Jungle to Chicago soon to come taste what the Snakes brew.

(Okay, I’ll admit it… LA doesn’t suck that bad.)