Act now, think later.

I asked a boy out on a date last night.

I have never been on a first date with someone before.
Usually all the boys I have “seen” are boys I have been friends with for a long time,
And then it’s like “Hey wanna do this?”

I don’t really know this person that well.
He seems real fun and cute.
I am intrigued by “the date”.
Just going to eat, or to a movie, or whatever people do in these instances.
Just getting to know someone better that you don’t really know but think is cute.
I went out with Mr. 9 while we were dating obviously, but not in the beginning.
We would mostly just hang out in his bed a lot… 'cause we were in college and that’s what you did.
I don’t even know if people go on dates anymore.
I have a sinking feeling dating stopped happening in the 80’s but I never knew ‘cause I was in a relationship. (Not in the 80’s but you know what I mean.)
At first I felt real confident about it.
Like “the worst he can say is “No”.
And if the date goes poorly, then the worst that can happen is two friends eat together.
I barely know him, it’s not like it will affect my day to day life if he’s not interested.
I thought he might be turned on by how forward I am.

I got his number from a friend.

Me (on phone): Hi! I have a weird question. Do you think you might want to go on a date with me some time? (Nice one, set it up that it’s a weird question and don’t let him decide for himself)
Boy: Um…. Uh… okay. Sure, I think so. That sounds like it might be fun. What did you have in mind?
Me: (Shit! I didn’t really plan ahead. I only thought through the asking part.) I don’t know (Good one!)
Boy: Okay. Well, I think I should tell you…. I’m pretty busy this week, I’m moving so I won’t be available until like… next week some time. Is this your cell number? If I don’t see you before next week, why don’t we touch base some time next week?
Me: Oh. Okay. Yeah, why don’t you call me when you know when you’re available? (Good one. I think he just said that.)
Boy: Okay… bye.

Um… I THINK he said yes.
After I hung up, I felt real awkward about it.
Seriously, that could have been a real lame move.
I actually used the phrase “go on a date with me”.
Come on people, I don’t know how to do this shit.
I’m making it all up as I go along.
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I have only been single for about two and a half months now.
I think I have learned more about myself in this short amount of time than throughout the rest of my years put together.
But mostly because I have been forced to think about myself through someone else’s actions.
Of course every time I think I understand something better, I go through an emotional spurt and everything looks different.
(I’m such a drama queen)

A few things I THINK I have learned in the past two months… using food analogies:

I CAN be the only chef in the kitchen, both in life and in my apartment… without dying.

I have to be selfish with what I order, only eating what I want when I want it, and I will not feel bad if the meal isn’t that good and I have to send it back. As long as I am honest with the waiter and respect him, it should be okay.

I am fully aware of the fact that I have been shitting where I eat recently. And as expected, I have been forced to eat that shit. I want to eat my own shit, but I refuse to feel regret for it. It was fun. But once I’m full, I will not feel bad about moving on. I can’t just keep eating shit to save someone else’s feelings.

If the meal is not easy to make, I need to find a new recipe. I can’t deal with the doubt of spending a lot of time on a soufflé that I’m not sure is going to turn out. I just want to have some fun.

Just because you are extremely sexually compatible with someone doesn't mean that you are ready to start buying groceries with them. They probably eat a lot of meat and you are a vegetarian. This, by the way, is neither of your faults and no one is to blame if it doesn't work out. It just is.

After eating the same chocolate cake for so long, I really want to try a lot of different pies.

It’s kind of exciting that there are pies!
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I have been told that making a lot of dumb decisions involving men right now is normal. I’m okay with that.
It scares the shit out of me.
But I’m okay with that.
Boys smell good,
They make it easier to forget and to feel okay.
I know I don’t need them…
But it doesn’t hurt to kiss.
Kissing feels good.