Eating emotional spinach!

I feel really strong these days.
I feel like I’ve been “gaining back some of my powers”
as someone I know would put it.

A couple of things have happened recently.
One was; the guy I asked on a date called while I was out with my mom at a bar,
To tell me that he didn’t want to have anything to do with it.
This kind of stung.
Any rejection never feels good.
But, it is what it is.
I felt bad for about a ½ an hour... and then... I felt fine.
And I was like, “Oh yeah, this actually IS no big deal.”
And I immediately felt stronger.

Then in my mind I made the decision that I was just gonna cool my jets a little with this whole “boys” thing.
I mean, they served REALLY well, in helping me to get past that “I might want to hurt myself” phase of the breakup.
Nice and Easy keeps saying
"the easiest way to get over someone is to get under someone."
Seriously she says it alot.
It's her new motto as far as I'm concerned.
But I just suddenly realized that it feels okay to be by myself.
And after my mom left I was happy to have the apartment to myself again.
I have a lot to accomplish in my life and I can’t waste all my free time doting on a boy.
The thought of being that girl at the IO party desperately trying to get a boy to take her home makes me feel sick.
I’m not judging that girl... I just don’t want to be her.
And I’m not that person.
So I feel strong.
Cool.

There is someone I am interested in.
We sometimes make it harder than it needs to be.
I keep trying to run away.
I have decided to jump ship a couple of times.
Right as my feet are about to leave the poop deck he keeps being awesome
and then I stay.
Because I feel so strong and because I am done with boys,
I think I might have an easier time with him now.
He can be a bit shy.
I can be a bit overbearing.
It’s not a terrifying secret or a tornado.
It is what it is.
That makes me feel strong.

I have made the decision to try and understand where people are coming from a little better.
Sometimes you really have to push through the moments that make you feel awkward to get to the gold.
Sometimes you have to put yourself out there and know it might hurt to try to connect with someone else.
I’m okay with that.
Nothing can hurt me worse than what I already been through.

I’m not afraid to look you in the eye.
To ask you “how are you really doing?”
To be told "I really don’t want to talk about it”
Tripwire once made the observation that
because she has cried in public quite a bit
she has noticed that black women in general will come up to her to ask her if she is okay and offer her help.
Whereas, no white woman has ever done this with her.
I have no observations about the differences between myself and black women,
(I save it for my stand-up routine)
but I would like to think that I would stop a crying stranger to make sure they were okay.

I am on a normal drinking schedule now.
I have had the urge to drink alone several times this past week and not done it.
I still love old Madame Booze, but I don’t need to fuck her every night.
That makes me feel strong.
“I’m healed!” (She sobs into her sleeve)
No, seriously.
Either I am on a manic upswing, or I am actually starting to feel whole again.
I think my writing is getting worse as a result.
BUT I have found my sense of humor again and have written several new comedy sketches that don't involve me getting dumped or hurting a man with the same name as Mr. 9.
That's real progress.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

I am heading to Iowa to go spend a couple of days with my aunt and mother.
These are the things that I already know ARE going to happen:
We will be getting facials in a mall.
We will be playing a game that involves marbles and shooting the shit.
My aunt will make me feel totally at ease in her home
And the conversation with my mom will be easier and more fun because the pressure is not on me to make it so.
When we all get drunk together, girl talk might even happen.

My horoscope for this weekend says:

~ Communications with women will be easy and quite favorable at this time, regardless of your own sex. And encounters with women may be quite informative in a positive way.

~ This is the time to be yourself, but it also is the time to become conscious of who you are. It is one thing to be yourself; it is another to know yourself. You can use this time for both.

~ You are now far more aware of your own sensitivities, so that you are also in a position to be more considerate to yourself. If you do something good for your body today - for example, have a massage or visit a sauna - it will also strengthen your soul. Poetic and romantic music have a pronounced effect on you at this time.

~ Tonight you feel quite good, and you enjoy being with congenial people. Probably it would be best to be with old friends whom you know well and with whom you have already established strong emotional ties.

Excuse me?!
What the F?!!!!
I know some of you don’t believe in this shit…
But come one!
If I go to a sauna it will "strengthen my soul"?
I’m going to a fucking sauna tomorrow!!!
Communications with women will be good?!!!
Awesome!
I am going to find some poetic music bitches!!!
I am venus love!!!
I send some to you.
zen!