thanks for the memories

because this blog has become an excuse for me to brute more at work (if that is possible)
because this blog is a possible forum for me to hurt people
because this blog has accomplished it's main objective, which was to help me get over the hardest part of my break up
becuase letting people know your inner most feelings is not very tough
because there are other things I need to be spending my time writing
because I'm losing my battle with my inner drama queen.....

I have to stop writing this blog.

it's been an awesome tool.
I highly recommend it.
love to you.
let's all find zen together.
buy me a beer.

Jokes on me

Well, they did it.
Feeling like I might cry at work again.
Went weeks without this feeling.
Now it’s back.
Good job everybody.
We’re really working it out.
Look how strong I am.
It’s such a joke.

This weekend was Huston’s birthday.
I called him to say “Hi”.
Left a message.
Never heard back.
I knew there would be a celebration.
Of course there’s gonna be a celebration.
I found out through a friend’s blog that there was indeed a celebration.
Needless to say, I wasn’t invited.
I mean I’ve only known this kid for 6 years,
But that’s how it fucking goes.
I get the axe.
Well happy birthday everyone.
It’s not his fault.
That’s just how it goes.
I’m sure it’s just easier for everyone this way…
Fuck this shit.

I have a list of friends that don’t call me anymore since the breakup.
I don’t get emails from them.
That list keeps growing.
It feels awesome. (That’s sarcasm...duh)
I didn’t expect it to hurt so much but I just feel like I keep getting kicked in the guts.
And I fucking ask you…
What did I do to deserve all this bullshit?
Did I not give love to that asshole?
No one asked me what I thought about all this.
Was I not open to communication?
Ug!
I am so sick of feeling bad.
I’m so sick of finding out secondhand.
I’m so sick of pity eyes.
I’m so sick of “Yeah, we should really hang out….sometime”
I am so sick of taking a step forward to take two steps back.

Wanted to go to the Skald…
Love the Skald.
Couldn’t go to the Skald,
Cause MR. 9’s a fucking judge at the Skald.
Mr. 9 got to know Don while Don was directing our show.
And Mr. 9 was asked to judge because Don, like everyone else, wants a piece of Mr. 9.

I have heard in the past three months…
“Being with you is like being with a buddy, not a girlfriend”…
Well I’m sorry.
I thought love was built on a mutual friendship and respect.
I guess girlfriends are only bodies to have sex with.
That’s what I’m learning.

“ I only want to have sex if there is an agreement that there is no emotional connection”…
I’m sorry... what?!
How can you possibly have sex without an emotional connection?
Sure sometimes it’s just fun to bone,
but can there really be absolutely no emotional attachment?
Are we robots?!
Seriously are we?
If we are please pull my plug.

“True love was invented by the movies. People buy into it but I don’t believe in it”
Man, that’s makes me feel so sad.


People are so sad.
Let’s just be nicer to each other and not be so fucking afraid.
I have a lot of love. I really do.
If no one wants it, that’s fine.
I’ll keep it for myself and roll around in it like Scrooge McDuck in his gold reserve.
Or I'll just give any I was saving up for a rainy day to those that already deserve it.
I feel sick.
Venus lady... more love for you.
Sean Gardner... Even if the audience doesn't laugh, I think you're hilarious. more love for you.
Sydwynder... more love for you.
Jarheads21... come move me to LA, more love for you.

Wow, this post is really angry and sad.
I swear I'm not this bitter.
It’s okay.
I guess I had it coming since things have seemed so good.
That's life bitches.
#2... You feel great. You are strong. You will die way too soon to feel bad about anything.

Iowa is fun... who knew?

The ladies waited in the lobby of the spa while I got my facial.






My aunt has 5 dogs... They are everywhere.









If there is any doubt as to what I will look like in 20 years... feast your eyes boys.








(Auntie shakes her bootie! yeah!)








Me and Bailey pose gangsta style.









I went to Iowa this weekend to visit my Auntie.
I love her.
She is 54, I am 28, we get along like bff.
When she visits in Chicago, we go to bars, she hangs out with all my friends and they smoke butts together, and we shoot it with ease.
She rules!
Mamma M was already in Chicago when I got there.
It was fun.
It was very relaxing.
I suntanned in Auntie’s back yard.
We got facials.
We drank a shit ton of wine.
I did yoga with Auntie in her basement.
I picked fresh veggies from my auntie’s garden and immediately ate them.
I finished a book and started a new one.
We played board games with the neighbors
and threw the ball around for my auntie’s five dogs.
It was pretty much just a relaxing Zen fest.

My Mom confessed that she was having a hard time relaxing during the massage part of the facial. (urg)
My Mom can’t relax.
I should be proud that she can even admit that.

My Mom yells at my Auntie constantly for doing things that she’s thinks are childish or annoying…
like singing in the bathroom at the grocery store,
shaking her booty in the parking lot,
or driving us around Moline not knowing where she’s going just cause she wanted to show us some sights. (urg)
I love how fun and spontaneous my Auntie is.
I tried not to yell back at my Mom not to yell at my Auntie… do we see a pattern?

My Mom’s way of getting yelling dogs to calm down is to bark back at them to shut up. (urg)
My Mom barks.
She means well.
I love her.
I hope she found Zen this weekend too.
I think she found a little.

This whole leaving every weekend is f-ing great.
In the beginning my apartment seemed so lonely,
But now I actually feel like it’s a place to come home to, cause I’m never there.
So good.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Tips for getting over this whole dumped thing.

I am putting together a short list of things to do in case I ever get dumped again.
These things seem to be working.
I thought maybe someone else might find them helpful too someday.

#1/ Don’t see the fucker. Don’t call him. Just walk away and let yourself heal.

#2/ Keep telling yourself you are okay. One day you will wake up and believe it.

#3/ Get mad, get so fucking mad…. And then cry, cry, cry. Eventually # 2 will take effect.

#4/ If someone wants to buy you something (a beer, dinner, a plane ticket), give you a hug, lend you their anything, hang out with you, call you, kiss you... let them.

#5/ Talk about it openly when you need to and don’t feel bad about how you feel.

#6/ Allow yourself doubt.

#7/ If you want it, buy it.

#8/ Be so selfish all the time.

#9/ Drinking alcohol makes it feel better, so don’t feel bad about it now… you will stop when you need to.

#10/ Listen to all your old riot girl albums and sing them at the top of your lungs in your apartment while doing anything you want. (for boys, I think Metallica is the equivalent)

#11/ Go out of town as much as possible.

Eating emotional spinach!

I feel really strong these days.
I feel like I’ve been “gaining back some of my powers”
as someone I know would put it.

A couple of things have happened recently.
One was; the guy I asked on a date called while I was out with my mom at a bar,
To tell me that he didn’t want to have anything to do with it.
This kind of stung.
Any rejection never feels good.
But, it is what it is.
I felt bad for about a ½ an hour... and then... I felt fine.
And I was like, “Oh yeah, this actually IS no big deal.”
And I immediately felt stronger.

Then in my mind I made the decision that I was just gonna cool my jets a little with this whole “boys” thing.
I mean, they served REALLY well, in helping me to get past that “I might want to hurt myself” phase of the breakup.
Nice and Easy keeps saying
"the easiest way to get over someone is to get under someone."
Seriously she says it alot.
It's her new motto as far as I'm concerned.
But I just suddenly realized that it feels okay to be by myself.
And after my mom left I was happy to have the apartment to myself again.
I have a lot to accomplish in my life and I can’t waste all my free time doting on a boy.
The thought of being that girl at the IO party desperately trying to get a boy to take her home makes me feel sick.
I’m not judging that girl... I just don’t want to be her.
And I’m not that person.
So I feel strong.
Cool.

There is someone I am interested in.
We sometimes make it harder than it needs to be.
I keep trying to run away.
I have decided to jump ship a couple of times.
Right as my feet are about to leave the poop deck he keeps being awesome
and then I stay.
Because I feel so strong and because I am done with boys,
I think I might have an easier time with him now.
He can be a bit shy.
I can be a bit overbearing.
It’s not a terrifying secret or a tornado.
It is what it is.
That makes me feel strong.

I have made the decision to try and understand where people are coming from a little better.
Sometimes you really have to push through the moments that make you feel awkward to get to the gold.
Sometimes you have to put yourself out there and know it might hurt to try to connect with someone else.
I’m okay with that.
Nothing can hurt me worse than what I already been through.

I’m not afraid to look you in the eye.
To ask you “how are you really doing?”
To be told "I really don’t want to talk about it”
Tripwire once made the observation that
because she has cried in public quite a bit
she has noticed that black women in general will come up to her to ask her if she is okay and offer her help.
Whereas, no white woman has ever done this with her.
I have no observations about the differences between myself and black women,
(I save it for my stand-up routine)
but I would like to think that I would stop a crying stranger to make sure they were okay.

I am on a normal drinking schedule now.
I have had the urge to drink alone several times this past week and not done it.
I still love old Madame Booze, but I don’t need to fuck her every night.
That makes me feel strong.
“I’m healed!” (She sobs into her sleeve)
No, seriously.
Either I am on a manic upswing, or I am actually starting to feel whole again.
I think my writing is getting worse as a result.
BUT I have found my sense of humor again and have written several new comedy sketches that don't involve me getting dumped or hurting a man with the same name as Mr. 9.
That's real progress.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

I am heading to Iowa to go spend a couple of days with my aunt and mother.
These are the things that I already know ARE going to happen:
We will be getting facials in a mall.
We will be playing a game that involves marbles and shooting the shit.
My aunt will make me feel totally at ease in her home
And the conversation with my mom will be easier and more fun because the pressure is not on me to make it so.
When we all get drunk together, girl talk might even happen.

My horoscope for this weekend says:

~ Communications with women will be easy and quite favorable at this time, regardless of your own sex. And encounters with women may be quite informative in a positive way.

~ This is the time to be yourself, but it also is the time to become conscious of who you are. It is one thing to be yourself; it is another to know yourself. You can use this time for both.

~ You are now far more aware of your own sensitivities, so that you are also in a position to be more considerate to yourself. If you do something good for your body today - for example, have a massage or visit a sauna - it will also strengthen your soul. Poetic and romantic music have a pronounced effect on you at this time.

~ Tonight you feel quite good, and you enjoy being with congenial people. Probably it would be best to be with old friends whom you know well and with whom you have already established strong emotional ties.

Excuse me?!
What the F?!!!!
I know some of you don’t believe in this shit…
But come one!
If I go to a sauna it will "strengthen my soul"?
I’m going to a fucking sauna tomorrow!!!
Communications with women will be good?!!!
Awesome!
I am going to find some poetic music bitches!!!
I am venus love!!!
I send some to you.
zen!

I came from her vagina.

Me: Isn't the bean awesome?
Mama M: It's giving me a headache.



I wanted a photo of here facing the skyline. She couldn't understand why I didn't want her facing the camera. "Just turn around!" I kept saying. This went on for some time. I finally got her to do it, but she shook her head at me after.


Me: Mom, you wanna go play in the water?
Mama M: Oh god no.






Mama M was here this weekend.
I have to admit I was kind of dreading it.
I love my Mom.
She’s all I got.
But we’re about as close as China and Iceland… not very.
Plus now I live in this tiny studio.
So there’s a lot less physical distance I can put between us.
And now that I live alone, there’s no other person to help take the weight off the conversation.

She wants to do everything in the city…
But has nothing specific in mind.
I always feel like I have to have this amazing itinerary planned for her.
Plus it was her birthday weekend, so I really felt a pressure not to blow it.
We did lots of fun stuff.
We went to the zoo, and saw Spelling Bee, sat at the beach, had great food at a lot of my new fave-o restaurants in my new hood, and saw Pirates II….
It turned out to be a pretty good weekend.

I love my Mom, but sometimes she also drives me up a wall.
I am really trying to find Zen with her.
She is a Leo.
She can be a bit bossy.
She can be a bit stubborn.
She can be a bit prideful.
But then, so can I.
There is a lot of stuff we have never talked about.
Sometimes I want to know the details but the foreseen uncomfortability would be too much to bear.
Whether that uncomfortability is only in my mind or real, is beside the point.
She has not once asked me how I am doing since the breakup.
I can feel that she just doesn’t want to touch this topic with a 10 foot pole.
Maybe it’s because she doesn’t want to make me feel bad by making me talk about it.
But to me it feels like there’s an emotional 10 foot wall that separates us.
(everything in this post is 10 foot)
As I get older I want to feel okay with her as an adult and as a person who is not just my Mom.
For a while this manifested itself in me awkwardly telling her intimate things about myself in a desperate attempt to bond.
I talked to her on the night Mr. 9 broke up with me.
I knew calling her crying was a bad idea, but I wanted my mommy to comfort me.
She’s not really that kind of mom.

Mama M: Well, why would he do something like that?
Me: I’m sure I don’t know mom. (Sobbing here) I just don’t know what to do.
Mama M: (Pause) Well that’s too bad about him. Do you have to find a new apartment?
Me: (URG!!!!) I guess.

The new way this is manifesting itself is me getting uptight with her for being so stiff and trying to force her to do a bunch of stuff I know she thinks is weird because I want her to open her mind to new things.
My mom is the youngest of three girls and the most square of all three.
Her two older sisters are real carefree and kind of wild.
I think they’re the bees’ knees.
She rolls her eyes at how they live their lives.
She gets hurt that I am closer to her sisters than to her.
I can see it in her face that she feels bad when I talk about how my aunt and I call each other all the time to shoot it when I’m at work.
I am trying not to elicit that look on her face anymore.
I’m trying not to judge her so much for things she does that I don’t agree with.
I’m trying to go into each encounter with her with an open heart.
I’m trying to be Zen.
I think I did okay.
Not great, but okay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Mama M: (She is laughing at the thought of this story she wants to tell me and finally she can get it out) So Donna comes into Minneapolis when I’m there. She wants to go see a concert. So I’m like, “Oh, what concert do you want to go see?” and she’s like “Alice Cooper”. (She’s laughing) “Oh” I say. I mean she’s like only two years younger than me and she wants to go see an Alice Cooper concert.

Me: Well what’s wrong with that? I’d go see the Alice Cooper concert with her.

Mama M: Exactly. Hasn’t she heard of David Benoit? Or Al Jereau?

Me: Mom you can’t judge somebody because they’re your age and don’t listen to Love jazz. (I can feel myself getting slightly flustered.) Plus, I thought you owned some KISS albums.

Mama M: Oh god no! I never listened to that stuff. It just doesn’t…move my soul I guess.

Me: (I am slightly upset that my mom is so square.) Never?

Mama M: No, I mostly listened to pop growing up. You know, James Taylor, Carol King, that sort of thing.

Me: Yeah, I’ve got those albums too. But there’s room for lots of different music in someone’s life.

Mama M: No. I just like what I like.

Me: (Urg.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Mama M: My back is really hurting me, and I’ve put on some weight which I’m sure hasn’t helped.

Me: What have I told you about eating all that crap? Have you started doing that yoga tape I sent you in the mail?

Mama M: No. (I can see in her eyes that she doesn’t want to get guilted by her daughter).

Me: I know you hate me talking about it, but it’s gonna help your back.

Mama M: I don’t want to do it wrong.

Me: You can’t do it wrong. But you have to try it once first.

Mama M: We’ll see. (This means “no”)

Me: (Urg!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Me: Come on, I’ll buy you a shot of wheat grass.

Mama M: (Rolling her eyes at me) I don’t think so.

Me: Why are you so against trying new things? If you hate it... fine. But try it once and decide after.

Mama M: I just don’t want to.

Me: I’m buying you one and we’re doing it together. That’s all there is. (urg.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Mama M: I just see a mean streak in my Mom. It’s the same one my Mom talks about her sisters having. And I want to say, “Don’t you see it in yourself?” I don’t have Grandma’s mean streak... do I?

Me: (I’m not saying anything. Not to hurt her, just cause I don’t know what to say.)

Mama M: Oh come on now… do I?!

Me: No…. (Looking away. URG! I hate myself. Why did I do that? She’s your fucking mom, dumbass.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Me: Stop putting ice in your wine. It’s Merlot; it’s not supposed to be cold.

Mama M: But that’s the way I like it.

Me: Urg!

Mama M: What? That’s the way I like it.

Me: I know. It’s fine. Happy birthday.

To blog or not to blog... You get the reference.

Pork Night has already addressed our conversation from last night.
Conversation

Also, Arnie addressed his blog on his blog…
a year following the break up

(You will hear the word blog about a million times during this post. I’m sorry.)

A fellow improviser I do not know personally, Arnie, had a break up with the woman he was going to marry. He decided to write a blog about the healing process every day for an entire year, at which point he then gave it up. I found out about this blog very late in its life span. Once I started reading it, though, I really couldn’t stop. I would spend all day reading it at work, letting my filing pile up to read more of this boy’s heart felt healing process. What I love so much about it is how honest it is. It is sweet and reflective and real. I didn’t know this kid, but I fell in love with his honesty. I think Arnie’s blog birthed a whole nation of bloggers inspired by his accounts.

Bird-o: Mrs. Florida keeps discussing her divorce from Mr. Florida on her Myspace blog.
(This was not something he thought was appropriate)

Blondie: Oh, what?... are you gonna run home and put this conversation on your blog?
(This was not something she thought was very cool)

I get that what I do is completely self-absorbed and stilted in every way.
I get that blogs are geeky.
I get that this is selfish and over dramatic and that I’m completely emotional and sappy and at times this blog is just me getting off on airing dirty laundry.

I really don’t give a fuck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

When all this shit happened to me, I felt like I was drowning.
I didn’t really know how to deal with it.
All I knew was that I kept hyperventilating crying... constantly
and I wanted to get past that point.

I thought that writing would help me to focus my thoughts and feelings in a way that I could start to sort them out since at the time they were suffocating me.

“What is my identity now, if it is not half of a relationship with Mr. 9?”

I am not ashamed of what happens in my life.
I do not regret anything I have ever done, nor will I going forward as a promise to myself.
I am going to die really soon and I don’t have a lot of time to waste on stupid shit like that.
Nothing in my blog is anything I wouldn’t talk to you about on the street.
I leave those things alone.

I could write in a diary.
But I think that we have to reach out to each other.
We are all going die...very soon.
So why can’t we help each other to make it an easier journey until we do?
I can’t expect people to open up to me.
I can only lead by example.
Hopefully people will feel loved and return that love to me.

Honesty has never come so easily to me.
I have found a greater patience for the world, because I know now that the journey through it is the beautiful part of being alive.
Sometimes the journey really fucking sucks, so we have to build bridges to from one tar pit to the next so we don’t sink.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

I imagine that it was awesome for Arnie…
To hear from his friends that they loved his blog
That they understood where he was coming from
That his feelings were justified and that they were there to support him
That he wasn’t alone, even if he felt like he was
and that love exists in all forms

Arnie,
I loved your blog
I understand where you are coming from
Your feelings are justified and even though I have never met you,
I am here to support you
and if you ever need anything you can call me any time
You are not alone, even if you feel like you are
and love exists in all forms
Including the love between two humans who don’t know each other but who have the guts to share an intimate experience with each other because fear is not as scary as death

You are going to die really soon.
Let’s be nicer to each other.
I hope you find zen.
I love you.

Didn't have to use my AK

( He's pretty cute in the younger days, isn't he? Other crushes have included a young Jerry Lewis and an old Al Pacino... so this new one doesn't surprise me. I'm on a real Hackman kick. He might be one of the greatest actors of all time. )


















Today is a good day.
It’s been raining since I went to bed last night…
And I don’t even have the inkling to cry.
I sort of feel at peace.
It’s cool.
Last night I did NOTHING! But watch movies.
It was amazing.
Who knew?!
I also didn’t have any alcohol.
I’m getting a lot better at that.
I think I’m over that whole drinking every night thing.
I’m doing a lot better.

On a side note:
The art of making films might be dead.
I have been watching a lot of 70’s film.
I’ve noticed recently that many of these great old flicks have very little dialogue.
These older films spend a lot more time on setting up the scene and letting the audience live with the film’s characters in their silences instead of killing us with edits and plot twists....
(aka: "Domino" is the worst movie ever made)

Last night I watched Vertigo and The French Connection.
Awesome.
I want to make a film like The Conversation some day.
I want to make a film like Serpico some day.
I want to make a film like Bad Lands some day.

Also, Gene Hackman... sort of attractive in his 30’s.
I found myself gaining a crush on him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Lately I’ve been auditioning a lot.
I’ve gotten really good at it.
I've come a long way since I was 21.
In particular when I need to improvise...
Which these days, I feel like every commercial audition is an improv.
They don’t actually write copy anymore,
they just supply an idea that you then riff on and if hired,
you get no writing credit,
nor do you get paid more for all the original ideas you brought to their final product.

I had four auditions last week.
I felt great about all of them.
Unfortunately, I didn’t even get a call back for one.
I don’t feel bad about it because I know that’s the business...
And for one of them I just knew they were gonna go with a guy.
It would be nice though, to start making some headway.
My goal is to be SAG by the time I move to LA.
I’m half-way there.
But it looks dismal.

I’m a great actor.
I work hard at my craft.
I'm fun.
I'm in the best shape of my life
and seriously people, I can be real cute when I wanna be.
I wouldn’t say I’m cocky, but I know how to bring it in the audition.
I’m past all that “I’m not good enough” self doubt BS.
Seriously.
I’m ready for it.
I’m waiting for it.
Bring it on already.