It's the winter of our discontent

(Rosa the cat has so much attitude. It's because she doesn't have any regrets, worries, or crushes. She can be a bitch whenever she wants and knows she'll always get her way. I had to leave this cat behind with Mr. 9 cause I started to hate her.)


I’m really tired this week.
Like drop dead exhausted.
I think I have pushed my body a little too hard as of late.
I have a lot of 6 grade worry about stuff I have no control over.
I have not had to have this nervousness since college.
It isn’t something I want.
It makes me feel weak to have so many butterflies all the time.
It’s there whether or not I say I can beat it.
My mind says relax,
My heart says I am shitting where I eat.

I want to be a rock.
I want to be an island.
But I’m mushy, rotten garbage.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

People I know who have broken up with their long term loves in the past two months:
Marty Pupko
Dark Yellow
Riptide
Jason Shotts
Stand-up Behemoth
Transistor

Plus half a dozen more that I am not allowed to talk about on my blog.
Plus a million sidebar conversations with just about all my friends about how they’re not happy, or fights are happening, or doubts are creeping in.

If you love someone right now, hold tight!
communicate like therapists and don't stew.
It’s in the water and it’s mean.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~’

Is it okay to start again?
What if the stars are aligned in such a way that we are all doomed?
Why is the world unable to love recently?
Is it just the typical spring crazies?
People are shaking off winter and want to move on?

Why does having a crush on a person make you feel so out of your God damned mind?
First I get dumped and feel insane.
Then I decide to toughen up and work on myself so that I can have control of my own life and a quiet lonliness moves in and I feel insane.
Then I decide to push past the lonliness and accept my new found freedom,
Opening my heart to the possibility of anything and I get a stupid crush on a stupid boy and I feel insane.
When is a human being in a state that does not make them feel insane?
When they are in true love?
Do we ever have true love?

Can a person actually move on after such a short time?
Or is it just rebound lust?
Who wants to date a person who just got out of a 9 year relationship?
Do I even want to date?
Do boys want to date?

Trying to toughen up… but boys won’t let me.
I have a lot of questions today, and I'm supposed to be strong.
Boys are dumb.