More metaphors

(Bastard's mouth, not mine)












I had another dream about Mr. 9 last night.
My dreams have been super severe lately.
They are very vivid and I always wake up with my heart racing.

We were in a parking lot leaving a function I did not expect to see him at.
When I first caught sight of him I told myself, “This will be good. I’m at a place of Zen now. I can’t wait to impress him with how collected I can be in the face of heartbreak.”
As he came closer I saw that he was wearing one of my dresses.
This red dress that is 50’s cocktail and has a wonderful crinoline under skirt and tight chest ribbing with bows, bows, bows.
It looked great on him.
As he approached me I could see that he had this very scornful look on his face like he was screaming “you are pathetic” with his eyes.
I suddenly felt very red-hot-face.
He pointed at the girl he was sleeping with who was standing by his car.
I think it was a Chevrolet Bel Aire. She didn’t have a face.
I got defensive and started screaming that that was my dress and he had no right to keep it.
Then I chased after him running full throttle trying to rip the dress off of him and hopeful kill him in the act.
He was driving and I was running next to the driver side window.
I woke up with one of those quick starts and realized it had been 45 minutes since my alarm went off.
My heart was trying to punch through my chest and I felt dizzy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From the Stand-up Behemoth in New Jersey who writes me religiously.
I love him for it. I have a lot to give.

Stand –up Behemoth via email:
The other day I was talking w/Patrick about how weird/unhappy/alone I feel right now. And he was like, "Look, it's just like when you buy a new pair of jeans. For the first month or so they feel totally foreign: they're too tight, they're too blue, it's weird. They're not your old pair. Then, after you get used to them and break them in a bit, they feel totally natural. And you're probably a little glad that you're not still wearing your old pair because it was covered in ketchup stains and had holes."

I dunno, that resonated w/me. Personally I think the point is less to look back on the old pair as better/worse than the present pair but to, instead, go "That's one pair and this is another". Different pairs, different times. I think the metaphor only works if you wear one pair of jeans for long periods of your life, as Patrick and I do. All I know is that after a while, each single pair becomes THE pair. And to me there's something comforting about the idea that after losing one pair another comes along w/different qualities and strengths and stuff you like. And that second pair might not even be a new person, it might be a period of life where you're just on your own.

Ok, well, I didn't really mean to go off on that tangent but there it is. Like I said, I found some level of comfort in that idea, however stupid it sounds on the surface, so hopefully you will too. If not then ignore it completely.
(End transmission)

On a side note:
I don’t ever wear jeans. In the past I have not liked them because they don’t breathe and when you eat too much the press your belly and are stylistically…very predictable.
I did not own a pair of jeans for 8 years and only bought a pair to have for Snake shows when we would do white t’s and jeans to look like James Dean.
Recently I bought a pair of jeans on a whim.
Not for a show, just to wear in public.
It has been good.
I find myself going to them more and more often.
It doesn’t seem crazy to me that if I see a separate cute pair sometime in a shop window that I might even buy another.

It’s the New Year!